piss

❉ standing at roulette table 2 with no customers, goose-bumps from the loathed air-conditioner that mistakenly thinks it's summer outside in london, busting to pee and wishing away the long hours of my last day of work before my weekend.

shift work has completely knackered me. according to a tv show my brother watched, shift-workers are 3 times more likely to get cancer. apparently your body clock is set from birth and you can't adjust it. your body will only heal itself during certain hours of the night, if you're sleeping.... 

my body clock has no idea what time it is, what day it is, who's body its in, when it will sleep next... and when i do sleep it's a shallow, tortured slumber, racked with harrowing nightmares. i turn around to roulette table 1 to ask Bunny M if she's been sleeping well... she tells me she's been sleep-walking, dreaming of gypsy thieves, and woken to find herself sitting at the end of the bed in the dark, flicking her cigarette lighter on and off in front of her face! though it sounds quite scary, i cant help but laugh, which makes me need to pee even more.

a customer joins my table and my laughter fades. there's nothing to laugh about around these gamblers. the other night when one particularly rude customer lost all his money in one spin, i couldn't help but sneak a quick smirk and he almost pounced at me 'Its not funny!!' ....'of course it's not sir. i was thinking about something else.' i responded, pondering whether karma is wild and rampant in casinos.

when my table is empty again, i turn around to ask Bunny M how she responds to rude customers. 'i do the devil symbol with my hand at them under the table'.
i look at her demonstrating under the table and she's doing that rock-n-roll hand gesture!! now i'm cackling uncontrollably.

the thing is i'm not really enjoying being a croupier. and i'm missing jerry desperately. everything reminds me of him;  the number 24 on my roulette wheel reminds me of him, katy perry singing on the radio reminds me of him.... even my burning bloody UTI reminds me of jerry.

it was in sweden the last time i had a UTI this bad, just after i'd had my boobs done and couldn't get out of bed without help. i was in agony from surgery and the UTI had attacked me while i was down. knowing that i'd be busting all night, and wouldn't be able to get up to go to the toilet, i asked jerry whether he minded if i just lay a towel down and piss the bed if i needed to. he agreed. that to me is the definition of true love.

'i'm on the edge' i say to Bunny M. i dont mean just the pee, i mean everything. the job, london, everything... maybe i'm just missing jerry..

:o)